allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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