i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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