How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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