o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
