wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
