i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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