I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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