I bet he comes in French.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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