Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Hippo gnu deer
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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