You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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