i would punch a child for taco bell
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
