Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
operation harelip BJ is a go
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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