You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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