ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Boobs are out for the taking
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
