Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
