It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she peed on how many people?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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