I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
