mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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