24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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