I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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