He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
