My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
