Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
