just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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