In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
