y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Randomize
