Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
