Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
