im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
