Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
