Who wears a wallet chain?!
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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