how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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