I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
