Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
