He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
