I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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