So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You're earring is so big in my mouth
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
