1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
