Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
