my phone needs a breathalizer
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
