So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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