Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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