Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
