To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
