the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
