so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
