He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
