I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
