you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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