I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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