i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Vodka?
Forever.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
