P.S. I can't hear my feet
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
