roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Randomize