drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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