Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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