so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
