I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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